For so long in my life, i wanted to kill people, slit peoples throats, stab them, and so much more.
the pain this shitty world has brung upon me and the fact they dont even care about what they did to me will haunt them.
they ruined my life with the abuse i suffered, the pain i endured everyday, i will have my revenge. i want to shoot up a school. i want to be a serial killer.
if life has a meaning then what is it? wake up everyday until your 18 to go to school for 8 hours a day learning nothing or things you will never need. or get a job and wake up everyday just to work a 9-5 job for 13 dollars an hour for the rest of your miserable lives as you bust your ass off just to barely be able to pay the bills. no fun. no relaxation, no good life.
i also want to rape children. call me disgusting, call me a monster, i dont care, for i wouldve never been this way if i got some bitches. (i get no bitches)
back before i was a sociopath, i was a good person, i never insulted anyone even if they deserved it, i wished good things on even my worse enemies because its how i was taught to act. then as i got older, my family got more abusive, i would come home everyday from 7-12 years old to being screamed at, insulted, called retarded, called a piece of shit, due to the fact "i was weird" because of issues i have, bullies singled me out, got together and accused me of things i did not do everyday, leading to my family thinking im lying when i say i didnt to it. that led me to hate, my family belittled me, my school lied, punished me. my "friends" betrayed me, exposing things i never wished to be out, including crushes i have, things i like that are "weird". all ive ever wanted was love, i tried to kill myself when i was 11 years old due to the abuse i was suffering. people my age hate me, and not for my behavior, i could be completely normal, nice, and innocent. even when i was 8 years old, i was hated for no reason, even though i was so innocent i wouldnt even say Damn because it was a "bad word"
i guess i have this aura around me that leads to people hating me. but kids... they dont care about who i am or what ive done or said. thye dont judge me for rumors and lies, they dont accuse me of being a creep or pervert just because i like someone, they dont hate me. and thats all i want, is someone to hold, someone to tell them i love you, someone to feel the warmth of when im laying in bed crying my eyes out everyday due to the fact that i know i will never find love, and that i will not make it in society because of problems i have.
fuck video games, fuck my bed, fuck my house, fuck everything i have thats considered a "luxury" i would give it all up just for someone to love and be with, someone i can hold and care about.
but that will never happen because im "weird" "creepy" "a pervert" except for kids, like i said above, they dont care, which is what i want in a relationship. i have searched long and wide for someone that does not judge me, but i have yet to find any except for children.
i want to kill people for the abuse i suffered while they watch, judge, and relax upon there thrown of superiority. i will rip them off there thrown, instill fear in them, make them scared for there lives along with there families. i will slit there throats, stab them, shoot them, and destroy there thrown.
i used to think i deserved my treatment, that i did something wrong. whether it was my attitude, my posture, or my face. i thought i was the one to blame. but now i see the truth. i did not deserve it, i did not do anything wrong, this world is just cruel and hateful. they will tear you apart until theres nothing left, they will leave you behind when you become weak. just like they did me. now everyday i wake up and i want to die. i never want to wake up again as every day is the same. same routine, same job, same everything. nothing is enjoyable. i have no friends, no partner, no one to trust. ignorant people like my family and those closer to me say shit like "go out and try to find someone" like bitch ive tried. ive tried for over a decade and everytime i thought i could trust someone they stabbed me in the back. i just want to live my life in peace. but everytime i wake up i just feel void, like nothing matters, i literally feel empty. almost crying everytime i get up and realise my life will never get better. im 18, never had sex, never got a kiss, never got a hug. atleast not from anyone other then my relatives who do it to act as if they care. if your like me, remember this: people will say they care, they will say they are there for you, but they arent, they will leave you and talk about you behind your back. i urge you to not trust anyone, and to take your revenge. show them what happens when you are treated like trash.
why wont this pain end. i want to die, but i cant, i have to live in order to exact revenge on those that ignored my cries for help.
i want to buy a rifle and murder innocent people. so then maybe people will start to listen and realise what they have created. i could strike at the root of my problems like my family and the people that treated me like shit, but i want to strike on the most precious things people can have. make them feel the sorrow that i feel everyday.
i just wanted to live my life peacefully. get a partner, get a nice job, maybe a fireman, police officer, constuction worker. but i wont because i cant let go. retarded people will try to tell you to let it go and that you cant let the people from your past control you, but they fail to realise that not everyone is the same, not everyone can just sit idly by while people get away with ruining there lives, tattering there reputation, and crushing there heart and body. i am not giving them power, i am channeling my own. letting my emotions boil and boil until it blows open, and the hatred and the rage ive built up over my life spill out and wreak havoc on everyone around me. for then and only then, will i feel like i have completed the job of what i was put on this planet for. as i feel nothing but hatred and sadness. my last good memory is far too long ago and i cannot remember when. i cant remember when i was having fun with my family. my mom, dad, sister, they all mean shit to me since i know they feel me a burden, even if they dont realize it. they constanly say how much they love me, then the next day im being called retarded, dumbass, stupid, worthless. everyday. ever since i was fucking 6 all i have heard was insults and cruelty no matter what i did. i forgot to sweep the floor? "your a fucking dumbass, how could you not remember something you do everyday?" i forgot to feed the dogs? " only a retard would forget something that they do everyday" i get a bad grade? "your not working hard enough, the problem is your not listening and screwing around" imagine hearing that almost everyday for over a decade as a kid.
update: 1/1/2023
i have no hope for my future. its getting worse. i cant take it anymore, i have nothing anymore, i wake up every morning and just want to kill myself. i cant stop sleeping. i have no motivation. today i was on the verge of tears, still am writing this. i can feel the end is near for me. i dont know if ill make it to being able to kill people, thats a good thing, i dont want too, but the anger and hatred i feel is so hard to cope with. i just want someone to talk too, i cant take it anymore, i need help. please fucking help me. the only thing i can think of anymore is death. i dont want it, but i cant take it anymore.
retards would say get help, but if i do, i will be thrown in a mental insitute, given drugs i have no idea what they are, and be looked at as a mental case by my family and anyone else.
i havent been this hurt in years, what a way to start off the new years. i just want a fucking hug
1/16/2023
its gotten to the point of where i cant feel any real happiness unless i think about hurting people. i look at guns and i smile and i can actually feel happy, like i was meant to pick one up and use it. i constanly put on music and just imagine myself in a full tatical suit, gas mask, bulletproof vest, and an ar15, unloading into a crowd and hearing them scream for mercy.
2/1/2023
well its happened again, i met someone online who is the sweetest fucking person ive met in so many years. she is not only near my age, but just so fucking sweet, she is so kind, thoughtful, and energetic. but as fucking usual i fucked it. i did something to some retard in the game we met on and that person i annoyed in game stopped talking to her as a effect since we are friends, now she has quit the game, and has started to become distant from me. we met not even a week ago, and now its already fucked. everything is fucked. i cant talk to anyone without fucking it up. she is such an amazing person, and now i made her life so much worse it seems. but i believe i may have helped her in some way, i got her away from the more ignorant and garbage pieces of shit society has to offer. and if she hates me for it, then i am happy, because she is such a kind and caring person to me and deserves the best life. she made me laugh many times, and it was a genuine laugh, not a laugh i do when i hear a funny joke, or watch hilarious memes. it was a laugh i felt like i could not experience anymore, one that i only did when i was in my glory days as a child.
i fucking bawled my eyes out thinking about how i may have hurt someone so fucking kind to me, and knowing i will die alone, as i have already sealed my fate. it fucking hurts so much. i just want an escape, its so easy, i could hang myself right now, take 20 sleeping pills, slit my wrists, but i cant, its too easy, and i need to get my revenge on those that made me want to do it.
2/26/2023
its surreal, in 2-3 months ill be dead, and so will others.
i feel sort of at peace knowing that my death is growing near.
i started slitting my arm a few weeks ago, i haven't for about a week now that i realize how close my death really is. it was only a temp solution.
recently i have been watching victims of parkland shooting confronting the shooter. everytime i do, i laugh seeing them cry about there dead kids, they describe how amazing they were, it makes me happy knowing those rats feel the pain that i have felt my entire life
3/8/2023
im going to do it, im going to kill people, i wasnt certain for a while, i thought i had a chance if a miracle happens, but its now too late. i cant take it, every second of everyday i am in pain, constanly reminded of my past pain, unable to let it go, wondering what i did to earn such a life, when others my age are out fucking, partying, hanging out with friends, im sitting alone in the dark, cutting myself, thinking what the best way to kill people is. i lived my life the best i could, now its time to do something about it.
no miracle will stop me now, no sudden girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, or person similar to me will be able to convince me not to do this. the time for that is over. my death is 3 months ahead, im in contact with al saqri foundation for military science, an islamic terrorist group, i will kill so many people, and then maybe people will finally know what real pain is, and see how wrong they were to deny me the basic human courtesy that they revoked from my life.
i am done, this may be my last edit, if so, you will see me in 3 months, pledging my allegiance to the islamic state while shooting up a school.
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